Kometstar Meteorshower

Praying for Libya

2011-02-26T12:54:00.000-08:00

What's up in Libya? In the last Jumaah Khutbah, I cried hearing about the mass murder... and my Brothers and Sisters' bravery and sacrifice, AllahuAkbar!

So I should know more... Who's the demented inhuman man who's responsible for all this?

This is the man: Colonel Muammar Gaddafi- but frankly if he's killing people through power abuse, being human is an overstatement... He's been ruling for 42 years!!! The longest ruling autocrat!
And what is a wonder is this monster's son, Saif Al-Islam saying, and I quote: "Everything is calm... no casualties, no attacks, everything is peaceful, everyone is happy... What you have heard in Libya is a big joke...(??????)"

The social unrest started February 15, 2011, I guess what happened in Egypt had served some sort of inspiration. Protests are centred in Tripoli and Benghazi:

Allah as witness, they're attacking people using the Libyan Air Force!!! The monster refuses to step down, instead, he vows to fight until the last drop of blood has been spilt! Imagine the bloodbath!!!

But with Allah's might and mercy, the Libyan demonstraters are not alone. Some commanders, soldiers and officers are on their side: they defied orders and promised to defend them. Alhamdulillah... Gaddafi's other son, Saif Al-Arab also joined the protestors.

But they have a long way to go... Gaddafi has sworn to kill those who 'do not love him'. I pray for them. Ya Allah... I pray for them...

The Royal Wedding

2011-02-08T08:16:00.000-08:00

Sementara dok kat UK neh, kene la tau tntg royals dye. Prince William is getting married, that I know. But let's siasat a bit more in depth, shall we?

Haa, abang muda ni la the Prince. Yg pempuan tuh? Sape ek? Her name's Kate Middleton. But just knowing her name ain't answerin much question. Senang cite, she met William kat University of St Andrews kat Scotland. Yup, dye org biase, anak org2 keje kat airpot (flight attendant n dispatcher).

They proposed November lepas, 16hb, engaged October kat Kenya. Bila dyorang nak kawen? In 80 days time in counting, April t kat Westminster Abbey, London. WAAAA, am I invited????

FYI: Prince William ni lah anak eldest Princess Diana... kesian...

I'm back!

2011-02-07T09:52:00.000-08:00

It's been a while. Assignments, games- everything's been keeping me away from writing my thoughts. Then I came upon a friend's blog. He writes about not just stuff about himself, but also stuff about others. So I thought: "That's smart of him..." And with that good idea, I thought of doing something beneficial here. My blog shall from now on be about me and my learning about the world. >With commercial breaks with some nonsense that I like. ;3< Cheers!

my drawings

2010-08-01T05:48:00.001-07:00

i noticed i'm getting better at dis painter-x thing.

soooo proud of myself...

i enjoy every minit too.

ok, a prototype draft, shall we?

Childhood geng

2010-07-31T22:42:00.001-07:00

Not forgetting, no, NEVER forgotten are my CHILDHOOD FRIENDS of old!
They make me smile...

Maria
Pika
T-rex

I love spending time wif u guys...

my nightmare...

2010-07-17T06:39:00.000-07:00

I believe it as my weirdest nightmare yet...

i was being chased by a sloth- as big as myself...
so i ran for my life...
i felt strong the sense of danger...
i was somehow running out of time...
the man-eating sloth was gaining on me...
n i realised all i need was shelter, so i ran to this house-
abandoned or new i wasn't sure but it sure wasn't my own house...
i closed the gates just to find that the lock was broken!
i was determined to push back the gates when the creature tries to force itself in
but suddenly
to my horrofic realisation
the sloth had climbed the fence
i mean i had been so frightened i forgot that sloths were great climbers
and soon i was within its reach.............

then i woke up.
my alarm rang for me to solat subuh....

i can still remember it now...

yet what bothers me most

is

why a SLOTH?

Katak Hijau

2010-06-12T07:04:00.000-07:00

Cute but disturbing
...I didn't do this one...
But it appeared in my saved files...
...Wonder if it's a virus...
...And somehow... it's...
VERY familiar...
...
...
katak hijau...
wasalam...

My B.G.

2010-06-12T06:48:00.000-07:00

They're my BodyGuards, also my Best Gals.
Coz u're there for me whenever I'm down or in trouble.
Jamie
Phani
Aly
Min
...
Thank you.

PIC 001

2010-05-06T04:05:00.000-07:00

At least my best buds here in IPIP...
Yana
Tika
Lala
They make me feel myself. Thank you...

My chains...

2010-04-23T06:15:00.000-07:00

I've been told I expect too much...
But is it wrong of me?

I'm not strong enough.
I'm too selfish.
The chains are choking me.
It's dragging me out of my will.
So I'm breaking free.

I don't blame any of them.
I'm the one at flaw.
Because I don't spend time with them.
Because I seldom go out.
Because I'm no fun to be with.
Because I like being alone.

Alone.
Once this scared me.
Conformity? No more.
I realised I'm better off without the chains.
It's all rusted and brittle anyway.
I'll be a bird and perch anywhere I wish.
You'll all still be my friends,
and yes, that's it.
Just my friends. No more, no less.

I expected too much,
and that was my mistake.
The chains have bruised me,
blistered me,
scarred me for life
because I had been relentlessly struggling
oblivious of the constricting chains.

I love each and every one of you
You've been so nice to me
So, so kind...
And I've served my purpose in turn.
I help whenever I can.
And I'll always smile.

But the chains are hurting me.
I hope you understand.
I'm not meant to be in chains.

Unlocked and freed
I'll spread my wings.
I'm flying away.

I'm alone in the sky,
but somehow

I believe

You'll be there to catch me
when I fall....

...Won't you?

I am...

2010-04-18T05:12:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking bout today
Things've been hard but I know that I can't change
Tried to tell you but you looked at me like-
maybe I'm an angel underneath:
Innocent and sweet...?
Yesterday I cried
It was rare but there was a softer side
People are making me so confused
But heck I don't envy you
Well, I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one! ::--

I'm a BITCH, I'm a LOVER
I'm a CHILD, I'm a MOTHER
I'm a SINNER, I'm a SAINT-----

I DO NOT FEEL ASHAMED!!!

I'm your HELL, I'm your DREAM----
but I'm nothing in between!

I'm a VIRGIN, I'm a TEASE
I'm a GODDESS on her knees
when you're hurt or when you suffer
I'm your ANGEL UNDERCOVER!
I've been NUMBED, I'm REVIVED

CAN'T SAY I'M NOT ALIVE!

You know I wouldn't want it any other way
Hold your breath COZ I'M HERE AS I AM...
TO STAY!!!!!

Fury Unleashed!!!

2010-04-08T08:38:00.004-07:00

Well, at least 'unleashed' in this blog anyways.

I HAVE NEVER FELT SO INFURIATED!!!!
MY GOD!!! Even after zikir-ing the anger still lingers...

EY, C'MON EA, IF YOU NEVER WANTED FOR US TO COME,
DO US ALL A FAVOUR AND DON'T, I REPEAT, DO NOT INVITE US!!!
I left da comfort of my room for THIS?????

A bunch of stuck-ups, that's what.
What happened to politeness? Ethics?
I pitied da lecturers who had to endure you people.
I was soooooo glad I took none of ur CONTAMINATED food. If I had, I would definitely forcefully vomit it out right now.
And THANK GOD da lecturers were there. They made it so that the night wasn't a total waste. And THANK GOD we were celebrating a friend's birthday. At least I did something I'm happy about tonight...

When I'm mad, I'm MAD!
LIKE FOR GOD'S SAKE, U PEOPLE ARE SUCH-SUCH- @!!!%@*%e^@!#$! >sigh, even in my anger, I can't come up with a good swear word so this'll do....<
U know what? I feel stupid to have helped in THEIR camp and even 'stupider' that I had even tried to be nice to them. This stops NOW! It's YOU-YOU, US-US, from now on!!!

I was sitting where practically everyone of you could've seen me and identified who I was. I expected the ones I was acquainted with-- those I almost considered friends >but thank god I'm fooled no more< to have at least come and greeted me.
What? The food was more interesting than me ah? The smoke from da bbq blinded your sight ah so u couldn't c me ah? U rabun ayam ah? U just plain blind ah???? HUH? HUH????
Malu-malu kucing? My a**! The kucing there pown greeted me tau!!!

WARM WELCOME THAT WAS. THE BUNCH OF @T&^$%!##!@
I shouldn't have come. But I did because I knew the lecturers were gonna be there. I love them so I came. And I had THOUGHT that u invited us? What happened? Amnesia ah?

And my dear big FAT dumbdumb. >oh yes, dis is dedicated 4 u fatty<
"Adik, play a birthday song (since he was holding da guitar) for kak wani"
With a STUPID look, he stared back at me, along with his two cohorts who smiled >no idea wats funny, my face ah?<
2nd attempt... maybe he didn't catch me... "C'mon2, she's coming, qucikly, play a short simple birthday song. Say it's dedicated to kak wani...."
I could've sworn that his look grew 'stupider'.
3rd attempt... I was getting confused. Did I talk too fast? So, slowly, "A happy birthday song, c'mon. The simplest birthday song. U know, 'happy birthday to you~'"
And then I realised:
HE WAS IGNORING ME!!! In fact, he heard my request but IGNORED IT!!!!
FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! I WASN'T ASKING YOU TO PLAY A WHOLE MUSICAL! IT WAS A SIMPLE BIRTHDAY SONG!!!!
And he went on playing an unknown sumbang song...
I've NEVER been so HUMILIATED in all my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fatty, I pray one day u'll feel my pain. Allah Maha Adil!!!!
I was fuming. I mean, at least I contained my pain. U know what I wanted to say???
"EY, HELLO, ARE YOU TESL OR WHAT? YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ENGLISH AH? KATE TESL COHORT III KOT."

But I'm also sad. As if betrayed. I don't care much about them, but a few I had thought to be my friends... Where were u tonight? Why didn't u come and greet me? Offered me drinks or food? TALKED to me????? I feel hurt and betrayed. I feel hurt and betrayed....

I don't want these people to come visit me at Warwick. I don't wanna look at their faces ever again. I cut off any associations with them from here on! I x ngaku TESL has any cohorts after COHORT II. Whoever these OUTCASTS r, whatever they do, whatever they get into, wherever they go, I no longer give a d*mn!!!!

I'm severing my ties. I'll see them only as the J UNIT.
I'm sorry, I really am, but shouldn't u b too?
Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh!

It begins...

2010-03-30T03:46:00.001-07:00

U knw, i know it's wrong of me, but i feel pretty good that she's brimming with guy-problems now.
She asked for it.
And i don't feel like helping. Pandai buat pandai tanggung. >:]
And when she told me she held hands and let da guy put his arms around her waist.....
U know dat feeling as if u were shot, pushed down, run-over, and then falling down the abyss?
Yeah, dat was about what i was feeling.
I had thought highly of her-- and to find out she allowed such things...
Hey, at least she knew well enough to push him away when he tried to kiss her lips.
You played with a dangerous 'game' of love. I guess she found da hard way dat it's reaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllly not dat easy to forfit and quit the game when it has already started.
Now 'he' is angry and asking for more. One touch entices these creatures called 'teenage boys'. U've let him touch u, so now he wants to bring u to a love hotel. At least u refused him. At least u broke up...
She's in really hot soup, and i'm enjoying da moment.
But yeah, i'll get to helping her afterwards, but let me enjoy her pained expression first. >:]
God, i hope she learnt her lesson.
Please don't do this again...
Oh, n ya Allah, protect her from any bad things, and please allow me to be there for her from now onwards.
Though she made me sad, she's still a great fren. <:]

I can't understand...

2010-03-29T06:33:00.000-07:00

I can't understand...

Why did you do that?
This is not a game.
You got a boyfren coz u were bored???
And broke up with him when things looked bad???
Dear God! My dear, dear fren,
it is NOT a game.
People are not toys.
U were lucky both parties weren't serious dis time round.
What if he was serious bout u?
What if he got upset dat u weren't?
What if he forced himself on you???
Dear God! My dear, dear fren,
I love you so much,
I love you so, so much,
But
Why did you do that?
I'm worried about you.
I care so much about you.
I look up to you.
I'm close to you.
I feel betrayed.
You hooked up while I was gone
and got into dis 'game'.
Was it my fault you did it?
U were bored because I wasn't there?
I'm sorry dat I wasn't there for u
But I feel betrayed that you did it without consulting me.
I don't mind dat u couple.
I think it's fine as long as u're heading for marriage.
But u're getting bolder
in this game u call 'love'
and I'm worried dat u're losing ur female dignity.
WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING???
I'm both mad and sad.
I cried for you.
I cried for your innocence.
I cried for your stupidity.
I cried for my failure as a fren.
I'm so sorry I wasn't there to stop u.
I wish I was.
I pray to Allah dat He brings u back to da right path
Don't scare me like this.
I love you my fren,
and I don't wanna lose u.
Don't do this to me...
Forgive me...
For I have failed you...

My resolve...

2010-02-24T07:53:00.000-08:00

My heart is crying...

My soul is restless...

I've left u........................... But I dare say:

My heart still beats
My soul still lives
I've abandoned no one
I've thrown nothing away
I've pushed none aside
U've been there in my heart
And I believe u'll always have a place there

I love u my lujnah Tarbiyyah

I've learnt a lot and gained sooooo much...

That's why I'm off

I am but exploring ahead
I'll tell u one day what i've found

I'm a kite drifting away
But the string is still attached

Choices... choices...

2010-02-09T04:35:00.000-08:00

Lets see...
Choice A, Stay and continue by myself...
Choice B, Leave- like the others...

Next problem...
Choice A, Make a fake smile and all that, layaaaaan....
Choice B, Stay away, x pyah pening2 nak layan...

Another one...
Choice A, Scold and remind--- for the good...
Choice B, Lantak arrr, none of my business...

U know what? Choice B seems sooooooooo good rite now... and yet choice A is what I know is what should be done. Should- but Would I?
Somehow, I wanna be selfish for once, and just think of myself... but...
Oh that 'but'...
I'm going for B... I hope God and everyone else--- and I hope I, myself can forgive
...me.

This Debate thing...

2009-09-13T15:58:00.000-07:00

We won.
Yeah, the finals.
As Champions.
But you know, that's not really what made me happy.
In fact, I didn't care about the plaque >barely touched it<>just sighed and groaned 'it's finally over'<. And I still have no idea how much money we won- was it RM 300? or RM500 again?
What made me smile, was that I know now that I'm surrounded by true friends.

Some were kind enough to let us, debators, use their room for discussion.
Some were generous enough to top up for me so that I can continue communicating with the lecturers.
Some were nice enough to chip in with their own points.
Some were thoughtful enough to offer to buy me food knowing I didn't have time to even walk out anywhere else.
Some were diligent enough to go search for points from other sources when they found out I was at a dead end with my points.
Some were concern enough to cheer me on everytime they could.
And some, my debator fellows, were great enough to stick together, cooperate, encourage each other on and help each other out.

About this Sathiya Baba Human Values Debate? -Hey, we don't need any Educare cause I know all of us are already filled to the brim with moral values. :)

With all my heart,
THANK YOU.
I wish I could do more but really, right now all I can do is express this gratitude in my blog.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, DEAR FRIENDS...

A Melancholic Time for me yet again...

2009-07-31T02:44:00.000-07:00

>Some say it's a PMS thing. I guess.<

But anyway, this is what I feel now- in fact, for a long while now...

I don't belong. So

What am I doing here?

Ever played that game where you pick the odd one out? Somehow I think I'm that person.

I see my friends laugh and chat. They belong. I smile and laugh too. But it feels strange. I want to belong too- but it's difficult.

There's that time when they had a gathering- and I wasn't included. Thinking about it, maybe they had a good reason why but... heck, I feel left out all the same.

I'm watching from the sidelines.

Being left out hurts.

I guess I am different. In many ways? I like being myself. Outspoken and heard. Then again I worry if I intimidate. Do I? I hate it when I do...

I'll try being quiet. That way I'll be just like them- then again I won't be myself.

I tried today, but I can't. The lecturer was asking something and it's in my blood to answer- I just can't leave a lecturer abandoned before us. But if this is what it takes to belong... Maybe I shouldn't bother?

But...

I'll try, still. I'll try,

I want to blend it, that's why,

Haha, I'm rhyming, it's funny,

As if I've lost it. Scary.

I'll try being more quiet.

That way, maybe, they'll start talking.

Maybe they're just hoping I'd shut up.

And heck, I guess I can give them what they want.

I will shut up and see,

Just like them, just See,

And hope other people would speak for me,

Coz I'm tired of being the odd one out.

I'm paranoid, I know.

But I'm just thinking, that's all.

People are sensitive, I know.

They get upset when people say the wrong things.

I smile at this and laugh,

Laugh so hard till I barf.

What about me?

If they're so easy to upset, then why not me?

I should have the right to be moody too.

To say I'm hurt and cry, boo-hoo.

But I don't- Wanna know why?

Coz I know I'm not the only person alive,

That my friends have feelings too

So I try my hard to please them,

To smile

To forgive and excuse,

Coz I know they are human

And as imperfect as me.

They have problems too

Some worst than mine.

But as I think about it, it's not fair

That I'm the only one considering this.

So let me try this time, to be selfish and quiet.

Let's see how it goes.

Maybe the world shall revolve as normally like before.

Even without me the world shall thrive.

I am but one person.

I can't hope much.

I wanna blend in but I can't.

I know they accept me but they too see that I don't belong.

They try to console me but they feel awkward doing it.

They smile at me but I know they feel odd doing so.

Oh well.

Thanks anyway.

Really. I thank you, but just this once, let me be.

It's a melancholic time for me...

Coz I've realized this...

When it comes to it, in the end, I suddenly find myself

The odd one out...

What am I doing here?

MEOOOOOOOOOWIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!

2009-05-08T19:51:00.000-07:00

I feel so bad. My kitties have disappeared! All three!!! Orangee terkial2 mencari... She looks so sad. I can imagine a mother's grief to find her children missing. She keeps coming to my room and as if asking if I've seen her kitties. I feel like crying. "No, Miawie, I don't know where your kitties are..." and she keeps searching...

I dreamt that I found the kitties last night. Happy.

Then I dreamt them killed by a mad cat. Shocked.

Then I woke up and wondered the possibility that some sicko took the kittens away from its mom. Upset.

I'm praying that the kitties return, or if not, that Orangee would calm down. Ya Allah, give Orangee strength.

I feel bad cause, before this the cat family stayed in my room. Then because of the damned English Camp I had to go out for a week and I put the cats outside, kat bawah tangge. And then... And then when I returned... Now... It's like this...

Damn. I feel it as half my fault. Maybe if I hadn't put them out... Maybe if I had planned better where to put them... Maybe if I had stayed...

Miawie!!!! Where are you lil angels????!!!!! Your Mommy is crying!!!

I know cats don't have tears... But I can somehow see Orangee crying. Sayu... Pitiful... Poor Orangee. Ya Allah, just please, ease her pain... Come Orangee, I'll give you a hug... That's all I can do. Ya Allah, let the kitties be safe, wherever they are. There, there, Orangee... I'm here...

I cried sadly because I was happy...

2009-04-28T08:58:00.000-07:00

I've realized why I was sad. I didn't think it was possible, really. I still don't think it makes sense. I was sad- was depressed- was almost giving up at caring at all about anything- because

because no one had ever scolded me before.

True enough, I've learnt that when one scolds you, it means that they love you. Well, I wasn't scolded per se , I felt the vibes and I cried.

I trembled first when she angrily lashed out, then something in me cracked. Yes, the I-don't-mind-what-you-do-or-say self of mine snapped! I can't describe the feeling but it was as if my heart started beating again.

No, I'm not sick of praises and I don't hate being looked up upon, trust me, as a human, of course I sort of enjoy it. But when you receive compliments and ONLY compliments, u'd tend to go mad like me too. I realized it now. I was sad because no one has ever scolded me because of any of my errors like she had.

I felt lost. I felt unsure. I felt confused. That was why I was sad before this. No one was there to show me what was right and wrong. No one was there to stop me or bring me to do something. And tonight my heart cried. My heart which I had trained since coming here to become courageous, stern and unemotional, cried. It was great to feel human again. To feel shame, to feel guilt, to feel love, to feel pain, to feel joy----- to FEEL!

I love my Tarbiah group. I'm glad I'm in AJK Tarbiah because they are always there to save me from myself. To bring me closer to Allah. Alhamdulillah!!! I wish hard that people can save each other this way; tegur menegur, sincerely because they care and for Allah.

Dunia sementara, Akhirat selamanya.

I must remember this. Everyone should remember this. In the end, my friend was right; If you love Allah you love yourself, if you love yourself you love Allah.

Sesungguhnya, my heart will always belong to Allah and only He. Amin! Never leave me Ya Allah and Syukran that He still loves me! Alhamdulillah!!!!!!!!!

Oh and if you ask me now....

Yes, I am happy. Because God and friends like her are with me.

Thank you

2009-04-07T08:34:00.000-07:00

I might have been unfair to the people around me myself; going on about me and my own pains. But don't get me wrong, I'm just blogging. I'm not blaming anyone. I'm not trying to get a point across anywhere. I'm not trying to force anyone to understand. Just letting out my feelings. I'm sorry for making you guyz worry. But let me be selfish just here, where I'll only blog about myself. I'm in my own world here. Let me express myself...
I don't hate anyone. Never have, never will.
Life is never easy, is never fair, is never gentle. Life is all but simple. I know that well. I think everyone knows it too well. And I'm sure many apart from myself have gone through a complicated situation which I am in now. And many others are in a worst state if compared to mine. That >I guess< is why I try to smile. Because I know my pain isn't too harsh. I know my friends have wounds too that may be deeper than mine.
But I just wished they would consider about other people's feelings.

I care.
No matter how hard I try not to, how much I tell myself I don't want to, how frequent I say that I simply don't.

I just care.

About my friends
My family
My roomate
My lecturers
Animals
And even strangers

And you know what? I really feel so happy when I found that people do care about me. Thank you, my friends. My dear, dear friends. I'm not alone. Orewa hitorijiwannai. Thank you. It means a lot to me when you just care. Thank you.

I'm alone...

2009-04-06T06:24:00.001-07:00

There's a fine line where 'intimidation' comes in. When you're seen as someone who's- well, great or good at many things, you'll finally find yourself slowly isolated by your so-called friends. Yeah. So-called. It hurts. I painfully watch them slowly drift away from me.

"Korang buat ape nie?"
"Latihan. Alaaa, Faiza x payah, Faiza dah terer..."

"Wei, korang nak p mane?"
"Nak p blaja kat bilik *sekian*. Ko memang r, Faiza, dah pandai..."

"Smalam korang buat ape?"
"Kitorang ramai2 buat study group ntuk test ari nie. Ko memang r rilek, Faiza. Ko memang no problem nanti..."

It hurts. It huuuuuuurtttts!!!
I feel so huuuuuurt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How come.... How come no one ever asks me to join? Has anyone ever even had the slightest want for me to join? Do they hate me? Do they despise my presence there? Has anyone ever thought that maybe I wanted to be a part of that group? Or do they not see me as a friend that need company as much as they need each other?
Is being what I am a sin?

I'm tired of being alone surrounded by people whom I enthusiastically call friends.

I am shunned.
I am pushed aside.
I feel used.
I feel empty.
I feel lonely.
I am being treated as if I am abnormal; an abomination of creatures called humans...

Am I different? If so, how different? It's true I don't mind about many things, but I have feelings still. Don't leave me alone. I love having company... I love having friends... So just... just don't leave me alone...

I'm wishing for something... but I just... I just...

2009-04-06T01:56:00.000-07:00

I cried alone that night... It was the first time I felt so sad in my life. I can't really describe it. I can't really blame anyone. I can't really give a reason why. I feel some sort of hatred growing inside me; eating up all fragments of my soul.

It's not fair. I want to hate everyone. But I can't. I don't have the heart to hate anyone at all...

I'm nice. I'm kind.

Or am I?

I'm confused...

I want to be good, but I wonder if it's the real me... I feel lost in my own home- my own room. I feel lonely amongst the hundreds of people around me... Where am I? What am I doing here? I want to be just the way I am. I want to be me. But...

Who am I?

A friend of mine said that blogging can help to express yourself better. And I want to pour it out. I want it all to end. I want to be free. Give me wings!! Open the cage and let me fly away!!!

Why can they be sad and gloomy? Why can they cry and be moody all day? Why can't I do that? Why should I pretend to be happy when I'm not just for the sake of not ruining the mood of somebody else? Why should I care for other people's feelings when they seldom think of mine? I'm lonely... I'm tired... I'm tired of smiling. I can't tell if I really mean it anymore. Even my laughs feel so empty now. I can't tell the difference if I'm smiling with joy, or just a charade... Can I ever be happy again?

You- stressed? Hahahahhahahahhahahhahahahhah! I feel like laughing my head off. It's really funny. When I think I'm the one running around with all the college tasks, being Ketua Unit, being secretary of Tarbiah, being a college student with assignments... and yet I've never once groaned about it. So let me moan now. It's not fair listening to all those people's pitiful complaints, when I always keep it all in so that I don't burden people. Everyone has problems, can't they see that? So why are they acting as if they are the only ones that feel pain? Not fair. Not fair...

Sometimes I notice that people don't look at me like an equal. No, they don't look down at me, they just overestimate me.

Stop it.

I'm just like you and he and she... I'm beginning to hate 'praises', not when they say it that way. Stop saying that I'm better, because I'm not. Stop treating me like an alien just because you say I have something more than you. I'm just human... Stop treating me different... Stop saying praises I don't want to hear... Stop... Stop...

I wish...

I wish so hard...

To have someone find the real me...

Poor Meowie...

2009-03-28T18:12:00.000-07:00

The poor thing is injured... I feel that it's my fault coz-- well, here's how the story went...

Last night, I found him wondering around by the stairs of my dormitory and decided "awwww tooo cuuuuuteeee!" and brought im to my room. We played together after I fed him and he slept with me for one night. The next morning, my other adopted cat; Orangee, appeared by the door like she used to almost every other morning and I fed her as well as li'il Meowie. Then I saw Orangee didn't like the sight of Meowie. I instinctively knew they'd fight if I left them together, so I carried Meowie downstairs and let him wonder around away from Orangee. Then >since it was Sunday<>

Then I was awoken by the sounds of a cat fight. Revelation came and filled with horror, I knew what had happened even before I saw it. I jumped out of bed and raced to the bathroom and saved Meowie just in time. I made my hissing sounds >something unique that I can do, ask my friends who've heard it =)<>

Orangee got jealous that I adopted Meowie,

Orangee called her boyfriend,

Orangee's boyfriend beat Meowie up.

So I gave Orangee a spanking too. But I still love her, so after my anger subsided, I patted her on the head and scolded her.

Meowie's front paw was wounded. Blood stains were here and there in the bathroom. The poor thing was trembling like a leaf in a tornado. I ran back to my room and took some tissue papers and attended to his wound. I had no medicine at all, so a little warm water was all I could provide. Then I carried him into my room. Now he's sleeping as he rests...

Meowie, I'm sorry... It's my fault you got hurt...

Ice skating!

2009-03-13T22:39:00.000-07:00

It was last week, really, but wow I enjoyed myself great!

True; I did fall and hurt myself but I only fell 3 times! Not bad for a first timer! Oh, the 4th time didn't count coz Izzul- my friend, rammed me from behind without warning and gave me a smack down. I still owe him a knuckle sandwich for that.... >Grrrr...<

It was in Sunway Piramid at KL. We slept first at INTEC after a train ride from Ipoh to KL central. Then we rode the komuter there. I had to admit, I was a bit jakun about all the tech stuff I saw in KL. And ice skating was really, really fun! I wish that all my friends would join me on my second time ice skating... Nothing is fun if you're alone. Keep that in mind.

A friend of mine told me that you can't skate in Warwick coz the ice is too thin... Too bad... I was enjoying myself a lot... Maybe I should learn how to roller blade instead...

It's been a long time!

2009-03-13T22:28:00.000-07:00

Blogging is hard stuff especially when you're lazy... And there's a good reason why I haven't updated my blog for a while >I forgot my own password< I mean, I was too busy with college stuff... Ngeheheheeee...
So... I guess blogging ain't my thing after all. I prefer playing rpg games and bustin monsters and other people up. Writing sentimentally just isn't me... so I'll just write when I feel like it. >Not a diary- NOT a diary...<

Tired...

2009-03-03T04:36:00.000-08:00

It's been not exactly a busy week but ever since I woke up on Monday morning, I realized that I wasn't feeling great. I'm getting tired. No idea why. I wonder if it's my diet... or maybe cause I seldom exercise. I'm getting slothier and lazier... I want to quit doing everything and rest... My attention span is getting horrible! I keep forgetting things now. What's wrong with me??? >Sniff< I want to go home... Mommy...

I wanted to show this...

2009-02-28T21:09:00.000-08:00

Facebook anyone?

2009-02-28T20:40:00.000-08:00

I've just started on Facebook. It's kind of fun adding a lot of people dat you don't know. N I've got to know lots of REALLY KoOl people! I like being friends with older people coz they have lots of things to tell me. AND I especially like those who write and speak to me in good English. N yahoo messenger is convenient too, coz then I get reunited wif my old buddies especially those from MRSM Muar. Miss u guys! Of coz, I won't forget my recent friends. Sorry guyz, but sometimes my kredit is 'kong' so I can't reply to any of ur messages no matter how much I want to... Speaking of which... I need to go to Giant and buy sumthin for my friend's birthday tomorrow... I should find time... Starting with getting offline and taking a bath! >I hate baths... Hate water<

My X...

2009-02-27T06:51:00.000-08:00

I loved him. I won't lie. I really was in love. Just that... maybe I wasn't ready for a relationship without being in marriage.
His name was Zabir- I prefer not stating his full name. He was nice, thoughtful, unselfish, generous... wow I miss him. We only lasted for two months- an embarrassingly short time. So, why did I break up?
Becoz, he held my hand on our first and last date.
>Outrage: That's it????<
Hey, it might not be a big deal to most of u, but I grew up in a loving Islamic family. N boy n girl touching is unacceptable! -Unless it's ur bro, dad, grandad, nephew, son or uncle. I told him not to but he didn't take me seriously. I mean, of coz GF and BF usually hold hands, but that's NOT the Islam way. I repeat: NOT! If he ignored my not wanting him to hold my hand, imagine the other warnings of mine that he'll ignore!!!
No, he's not a bad guy. Don't blame him. He just... got carried away I guess. He loves me and I love him. But I love God more. Sorry, Zabir... It's just not time yet.
He was really upset when I asked for the break up.
"I HATE YOU" were his last words. I don't know, maybe to some people this means nothing, but to hear that from the one you love... Ouch...
But I could never and never will hate him. I deserved his fury. Though I still miss him now...
Anywayz, he called me a few months after and apologized. He wanted to be friends again but i told him it wouldn't be that easy. I still loved him and he still loved me. I told him to forget me and start a new leaf. He was insistent that I reconsider, but I knew if we go on, even as friends, we'd fall in love again and history'll repeat itself. He's kind and understanding. I never heard from him again...
I don't plan on finding a boyfriend anytime soon.
I need time to heal...
>Sniff< Eh? No, I'm not crying. I'm a hard person to break, trust me.
Zabir, I love you! But I love Allah more!!! SubhanAllah! Hm Hm!

Poems?

2009-02-27T06:43:00.001-08:00

I noticed most of my friends' blogs have poems. Not that I care, but I wonder if they wrote it themselves of plagiarised? I don't care much about poems- coz I'm not that romantic or sentimental. And no, don't expect me to write one anytime soon...
Speaking about being all mushy and romantic, I actually have dated before, u know, BF and GF stuff. But no, nothing intense. No kissing, no touching and no holding hands. Sad really. Just goes to show that i'm not ready for love that doesn't involve marriage. Guess I'm still in love with God and am afraid if He gets mad...

It's been tiring...

2009-02-25T06:02:00.000-08:00

Nowadays I start feeling so down. No, not in the sense that i'm in a bad mood but I've had no desire to study at all this few days... I'm not tired- at least not physically. I wonder what's wrong with me... I pay less and less attention to what lecturer's are teaching and I feel upset with myself. I'm worried about the pre-mock exam I'll be having soon but I don't seem to be too bothered that I surprise myself. I'm not sleepy. I've never slept in class in my whole life. Just that I notice that my attention span is getting smaller by the minute.
God, help!

I'm obsolete!

2009-02-23T01:45:00.000-08:00

>Revelation...<
>Shock!<
>Greater Shock!!!!<
I didn't know that u could do a whole lot to a blog to make it prettier. I just created my blog FYI yesterday. And I was pretty proud of myself when I went to see my friend's.
>Shock!<
Hers was absolutely pretty and cute! She even has a clock in it with all those glitters and even music for the backdrop!
Sniff... Mine looks like crap this way...
BUT!
It's MY Blog! I'll start step by step! One day it'll look magnificent, but for now, it's just a place where I throw my thoughts in. >Repeating: Dis is not a diary.<
Ganbate me!

TESLIANS!

2009-02-22T03:17:00.000-08:00

I like the idea that we're TESL aliens, since we are sort of the blacksheep of the institute. We're supposed to just stay here for two years. Then we're off to our true college in Warwick, UK. Sometimes I wonder what the other units in IPGM Ipoh think of us. Most that I've heard ain't pretty. It's normal. It's either jealousy or just the fact that we TESLians ARE weird. But dat doesn't matter, coz I loooooooooove being weird. As long as I'm true to myself. Who cares what anyone else think, as long as you're happy and doing the right thing.

I don't really care about the whole Warwick stuff. I've been to London- England, to be more precise. My eldest bro studied in Dundee, Scotland. The second was in Cambridge, England. The third got stuck in Malaysia, so he's a bit envious of me. But he swore that he'd work in UK for a few years just to make things even. >Yeah, right<

I love being in Malaysia though. I don't think I'd mind if we suddenly got stuck in Malaysia coz of economy factors. I mean, who'd really want to talk like a British? They're weird! Why would anyone want to talk about the weather? Isn't it somethin clearly obvious? But I do agree that they're heck of a polite species. Although I'll repeat again that they're weird. Absobloodylootely weird. Jolly, isn't it, my good friend? >Trying to add an accent here...<

So love Malaysia! Malaysia Boleh! >I still think the'buleh' thing is totally lame<

My Family!

2009-02-22T02:51:00.000-08:00

I'm writing a WHOLE lot now n I haven't even finished my homework...
Aaaaaaaaaanyways,
I'm the youngest of 5 siblings.
Let's scrutinize:
Faisal
Fazli
Farina
Farhan
Faiza
The last one is me.
The F siblings! >Thank God that our grades never had this letter on them...<
Let's scrutinize the variation as well:
Doctor
Engineer
Down syndromed
Accountant
Teacher
It's a perfect family! Mom did say she wanted another child for music... I think dats my sister if she wasn't down syndrommed. I'm sure mom'll meet the real her in heaven. >Amin<

Ipoh is way away from home...

2009-02-22T01:55:00.000-08:00

I'm from Batu Pahat, Johor. It's literally from south to north.
But heck, you've gotta get away from the nest one day anyway, right? And I've never gotten homesick. Sumthin my bros and I have in common is a strong sense of being independent. My parents taught me one concept; do it if you think it's right.
And then they leave us be.
Not abandon, mind u, coz they really love us dats y they let us b. LUV U MOM & DAD!
And FYI, they're both X-teachers. >Echo: No wonder...< Hey! What's wrong with following their footsteps?

I'm happy here.

2009-02-22T01:41:00.000-08:00

Don't I look like a teacher already? Huh? Huuuuuh?
And I'm studyin in an aircon room! Who would complain? AND TESL course is not only easy, it's also FUN! I won't trade any of this but for- - -- Noctis! Ngeheheheeee, just kiddin.
People here r also very nice. TESL A feels like a family already. I'm hopin hard dat the two classes TESL A n B will be the closest, loving family ever in the whole campus!

Y not a Doctor?

2009-02-22T01:28:00.000-08:00

Yup, people asked me this a lot. Let's recap...
UPSR 5A
PMR 8A
SPM 9A1 1A2
And then suddenly I chose to be a teacher. Don't blame you if you too see this as a shame.
Just think about this though; Does a piece of paper really determine your intellec?
I don't believe in that. One can have all the A's or the whole alphabet if he wants it so badly but it won't mean you're a genius. Einstein was a highschool dropout FYI. And who said a teacher's no genius? I think teacher's are Einsteins themselves.
To be a teacher is actually harder than you'd think. I'd teach a class of rebels than thrust a needle up their asses anyday. >Did I use a naughty word? Sorry...<

A teacher wannabeee...

2009-02-22T01:13:00.000-08:00

I remembered it well...
I was only 7. Her name is Pn. Hoe. She was the nicest teacher in the whole wide universe. And becoz of her, I am so engrossed in my ambition to become a teacher...
Thank U Pn Hoe!!!!!
And I have >not to brag but< great drawing skills and it's all coz of her too! I remembered drawing an ugly looking caterpillar but I put all my effort into in that time. And when I showed it to her, she said
"Comelnye, macam nak koyakkan mukasurat nie and kidnap dye. Pandai awak melukis,"
Gawd, I love her sooooooooo much. I want to be as nice a teacher as she is.
My next motto: Be nice coz then u'll feel nice. >Dis motto's kind of mushy and whack, but it helps me go through the day feeling all warm inside< Ngeheheheheeee.

INSTITUT PENDIDIKAN GURU MALAYSIA KAMPUS IPOH!!!!!!!!

2009-02-22T00:57:00.000-08:00

Yup! I'm in my 2nd semester everyone!
I'm gonna become a teacher!
What's dat? What do you mean lame? I'll have u know, a teacher is da most heroic thing a person can be! Beats being a king dat sits on his throne all day and grow all fat and- what? A doctor? I'd rather eat raw vegetables (something seriously nasty to me) than dissect a living person. And have u ever tried pernouncing the strange names of the diseases? A lawyer? There's a 99% of goin to hell if you become one u know.
I want to be a teacher coz I want to. And doing something you want, is my philosophy. You only live once, so I'm living it the way I want. >KoOl motto, ei?<

Wait a sec...

2009-02-22T00:52:00.000-08:00

I guess not all of u guyz r anime lovers like myself.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.....
A glimpse into my real life! Yes, which means we're leaving da fantasy world a while!
>Bye2 Noctis! C U later!!!<
And I woke up from my fantasy dream to find myself in...

It's Zack...

2009-02-22T00:48:00.000-08:00

T'was a sad ending, really. Sniff... Though i don't get how u could fly wif just one wing...

Da TURKS!

2009-02-22T00:42:00.001-08:00

Reno's the one wif red hair. Ain't he cute? Yup, one of my BFs. Rufus is too weird for me and Rude is bald. Need I say more? Discrimination? Hey! It's my lovelife! Hm Hm!

Crisis Core!

2009-02-22T00:38:00.000-08:00

Cloud's a supportin character here. See him at the back? I like Zack- the middle guy there- too FYI. But no, he's not one of my BFs. Sephiroth's hair scares me, and he has no sense in fashion- the black robes disturb me... So Sephy's out of the list too...

Told you he was girlishly handsome...

2009-02-22T00:35:00.000-08:00

The game

2009-02-22T00:28:00.000-08:00

I'm an avid gamer. Can't blame me when you grow up with bros and tend to get a bit boyish. >yes, just a bit, so don't mock me<

The series...

2009-02-22T00:18:00.000-08:00

I've just gotta write about this. It's as if I'm doin a review. If you're not interested, just ignore dis part, k.
It's the only FF dat is so vast! U got da Crisis Core, Advent Children and Dirge of Cerberus. Cloud's cute right? A bit too cute dat somehow I think he's gay. But dat doesn't matter. Gay men are sometimes cute too. >So WRONG... I'm hungry rite now, so it affects my thinking...<
Oh, n Clouds one of my BFs too. I'll try listing my BFs one day. 'Try' coz there's just too many...

Da Best Final Fantasy EVA!

2009-02-22T00:12:00.000-08:00

Final Fantasy VII is my Fav series... I kind of like Reeve though he's sort of old- he's the one holding the stuffed cat. Yup, coz I'm a cat person and I dig men who love cats. NYEOW!

Noctis Lucis Caelum

2009-02-21T23:54:00.000-08:00

Thank Allah dat finally da pic can be uploaded!
Haha, just pernouncing the name is vexing. But he's cute and he kicks butt. That's all that matters, right? Count his weapons everyone! There're nine, right? He's my most fav BF for now. I have lots of BF >imaginary ones, from fantasy worlds- sad, I know...< And I'm gonna show it to all!
Noctis is soooooo KoOl. He's from the newest Final Fantasy 13. I wish I was in the Final Fantasy world... Coz then I can finally b wif the one I lurv. Ngeheheheeee... I even have his face as my mobile theme. And desktop. Though i change my desktop wallpaper everyday...
I know I don't actually 'own' him, and he doesn't even know I exist, but... A girl can dream right? Right? ...Riiiiiiiiight? >I sound pathetic don't I? Excuse me for being happy in my own world< Hm Hm...

Finally!

2009-02-21T23:50:00.000-08:00

Look! Look! My fav BF! NOCTIS! KYAAAAAAAAAAA!

2009-02-21T03:47:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to upload a picture since this evening. And the sun's set now! What's wrong??? >Upset,Upset<>Sniff<
Aaaaaaanyways...
I'm thinking of turning my blog into a journal. Then I remembered diaries r for Sissies, so I decided to just write my thoughts. Anything I want to write- doesn't matter if anyone's gonna read. Writing stuff down is actually kind of fun. N i repeat, dis is NOT a diary! >Serious<

Yay! My first blog!

2009-02-20T23:23:00.000-08:00

Call me a freshie if you want- or a pure bred amateur, coz hey, I am one. I'm just blogging coz I need sumthin to do. It's a waste of time, I know, but everyone's doing it. Now let's see what I should blog about... ... hm...